“You are one of the most interesting people I have ever met; what’s holding you back?”
Those were words said to me yesterday by a gent who is our largest investor to date and who has not only become a mentor but also a firm friend. These words were spoken 15 minutes into what turned out to be an hour-long conversation. I wasn’t expecting it but it turned out to be a pivotal moment in not only our working relationship but also my own perception of myself and just how much I have healed.
Put simply, I was and am holding myself back and there is no reason for it, other than I had not stepped forward. The question and answer session went on for some time and grew increasingly uncomfortable as the questions became tougher for me as he pushed for answers and in turn took me out my comfort zone. Answers to his questions started to feel like excuses in my own head and I eventually just said “Stop”. Change is required and that starts with me.
I had in fact started yesterday on a completely different tack. A number of things have happened over the past week or so where I was feeling quite used by others and this had spurred me on to start this week with a different mindset. Whether he picked up on this or not I don’t know and although tough, his intervention was welcome. There are very few people who I will take “Shut up and listen” from but that is what I was told yesterday.
What did I take out of the conversation, which did at times get quite animated (in a good way)? I’m finally managing my trauma response and finding balance. We all have trauma response, it’s part of us and although a natural reaction, we can train ourselves to react differently. Due to actions by others, which I will cover more fully in later blogs, I had found myself in Fawn Response. I had already gone through Flight and Freeze in earlier stages but had settled into Fawn. It’s not one of the best known responses. Most people think of Flight or Fight when dealing with trauma.
How would I describe Fawn? Being invisible. People pleasing. Avoiding conflict wherever possible and mediating to the detriment of myself. Putting others’ needs over mine, at times I felt I put everyone’s needs before my own. Couldn’t say no. No boundaries. It really was a slow death and I was doing it to myself.
I have conquered reactive depression and anxiety over the recent past. The anxiety I still live with but I control it rather than it controlling me. As I evolved and recovered, other issues became visible. It was pointed out to me that I was triggering in certain scenarios. Back to the GP I went and a number of tests later, I was diagnosed with PTSD. This for me was a bit of a shock to say the least but when I sat down and talked it through with my therapist it made perfect sense. I am still working through the PTSD and although I still trigger, I don’t react now, I respond.
Where am I in my trauma response now? I’m finally back in Fight. This for me does not mean aggression. It means moving forward, high energy, action, breaking moulds and change.
How do I know where I am? Because I was tested yesterday by a leader and friend. I was challenged to see how I would react. I am hugely proud of myself that I didn’t react: I responded by stepping forward, stepping up and moving out my comfort zone.
I am delighted to welcome me back to the world.
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